Back to Home Page or Contents Page or Writings or Index

My So Very Called Life

by emotionlesschild

It has been 25 years of life for me....and now - I'm going to need some silence.....I feel like I need darkness, maybe float alone into space.....I feel like I need to see the life in light and it's Devinity and smile......Could this be? Could I after 25 years of faith and utter trust and belief.....feel like dying?

I still feel the same way for the same God - the God that I have always felt in my heart.....if I ever followed a religion it was because I feel this way inside.

It is as though.....I have become who I always wanted to be - this person right here, with the emotions I feel, with the experiences I've had, with my faults and my attributes, adoring the white clouds above me floating in the blue sky, and of course with the people I have shared all this with.

Yes, I bought a lot of lies along the way....but still - here I am. I wouldn't say fulfilled or enlightened, quite the opposite actually...

I don't fit in with the world....I will be the odd one in everything and everywhere, I can't think of an inspiring future....and most of all the feeling that there is a purpose for my existence is as strong as ever but I find no outlet. Maybe I should live in another dimension or another planet....I sometimes let out a cry - ''I wanna go home!'' even if I am at home.

The earliest experience I remember having, was when I was about 8 years old, and along with my cousin and my friend out of boredom acted out and told a car accident story at exactly the same time, the exact same way as it was happening, to the exact people we pretended to be, with the exact minor injuries we said we should have....to then hear a bang behind us, go running to get this verification.

I grew up in a little fairytale village in Portugal, where magic was no mystery and where I could feel totally connected to nature, my favourite memory in my whole existence is when my grandad cracked open some pine nuts, while I sang to nature, and the hot sun rays shone through the trees. I knew the forest smiled along with me and my grandad.

I miss my grandad....he has visited me after his death, I didn't know it was him at the time, but I listened and spoke to him....and as I hopped on the bus, I turned back to smile and wave goodbye at this lovely old stranger that had just given me advice on my life...he just nodded....a sorta - go about and do your thing, I will see you later.

There are other things, like the time the reflection of the street lights on my drawing moved to make the shape of Jesus' face with thorns on his head and all, or how I made my own ouija board and it worked, even if I had never seen how it was supposed to look before.

But I still don't know what this means....the reason why while reading the laws of magic on this site I was just ticking off all that I already knew, not consciously but when I need or want to.

All that I am sure of is that I am grateful for being part of the Universe and for the life I have, even if I feel like I could accept death. I am sure that I love to smile at the Creator and most of all - the most important thing for me is that I love the Creator and want to make him/her/it happy.